Lexus spins the emperor’s cloak
THERE IS SOMETHING deliciously wrong about this metal megalith. Like some giant
Platanna it dwarfs a
Q7 on the road, renewing the driver’s faith in the sanctity of absolute power – tinpot or not. It reviles every green urging out there with its enormous
2.7-tonne mass, its equally decadent
5.7-litre, that’s right,
5.7-litre V8 petrol engine, and its sheer carbon-spewing bulk.
It’s made explicitly for showing off, promenading wealth or power, or both, and here the Lexus
LX570 rules with certainty. It’s Japan’s answer to the
Range Rover 5.5-litre Supercharged and
Merc’s GL500, with a shape and platform in essence that of the
Land Cruiser 200 Series. Lexus finessing, if that’s the word, has been kept to the minimum. In this case, lashings of chrome outside and an interior designed to appeal to the more glitzy, avowedly vulgar end of the moneyed spectrum. Which probably means it’s pitched perfect. Shiny plastic detailing pinched from Yaris and upwards, then glossed with metallic spray, simply underlines the absence of taste. Mixed metaphor is everywhere, from the gigantic, bluff dash face encasing a superb
Mark Levinson sound system to the large touchscreen angled for rear passengers rather than the driver, these in turn contrasted with an instrument binnacle made fussy by analogue-like dials that could have Bentley provenance. A freeway-wide centre pod boasts a small fridge under the sizeable armrest to complete the throne-like front row, but the cubby is tiny and storage places notable by their absence. Still, the switchgear mostly makes sense and is easy to operate. Heading backward, the rear seats, leather-clad, electrically adjustable for reach and replete with knee-room, are compromised by a raised floor that ensures passengers might not be comfortable for too long. A third row raised and lowered electrically provides enough space for two younger would-be megalomaniacs, and behind, space aplenty for luggage is accessed by a large, solidly appointed split tailgate. A platform for making speeches to the minions or surveying the lands from high places? If the ultimate luxury is space, the Lexus has it in fields-full. Pity not all of it as well packaged as the best.
Trinkets abound in the all-in Lexus tradition, and should too at the
R1.085m sticker price. Think keyless entry, reversing camera, servo motors for every piece of furniture, a stop-start button provoking a mighty
V8 roar, busy digital readout and shiny shift lever surround. Select-and-forget is the philosophy as the ’box slides lycra lush between its
six ratios. Perfect.
Air suspension and vast wheels ensure the drive is more akin to a tug plying rolling seas than anything land-based. Bulbous fenders stretch to the horizon and the edges of peripheral vision, with inputs from the helm slowly telegraphed to the all-wheel drive engine room, and translated to slow tacking from one stretch of blacktop to another. Stomp on the gas and the
270kW V8’s muted menace hardens to an imperious rasp, hurtling the beast forward in great leaps that mutate from exhilarating in a straight line to road hogging roll on the bends. Wheel squeal sends a reminder of narrow roads and other traffic to the helm, and likewise bringing the plot to an abrupt halt is a noisy tussle between momentum and friction, even though the stoppers bite with intent. All that power has its price. Lexus claims
14.8 litres every
100km, a bit of a joke on the reality indicator, and the
350g/km CO2 emissions rating is probably best kept quiet. ‘Look at that Lexus Hybrid,’ one young man so wrongly remarked as I whoofled past at low speed. ‘Aah, perceptions,’ I thought, executing a planet-crushing bellow through a roundabout. This car is not for apologists; the main appeal is omniscient surging over every bump or ripple, pavement or speed hump, all dealt utter disdain. Conquering new territory is what this monster is all about. Appropriately I slowed to a more imperial pace, engaging the Sport damper setting to subdue the mildly seasick feeling induced by the air suspension’s Comfort offering, and proceeded to navigate the waters of influence. If the kingdom is off the tar that won’t be a problem either, the
Land Cruiser pedigree virtually guaranteeing ability, with a hill-crushing armoury of ladder frame chassis, air suspension and proper low range. It’ll tow a small apartment block too, but heaven help you if the trail gets too narrow or the electronics play up. The
LX 570 is aimed dead ahead at the US and China where wealth and good taste parted ways long enough back to permit this kind of excess. It’s an utterly pointless, thoroughly decadent product of the automotive Middle Ages, and strangely I found myself relishing every guilty moment with it. Unroll that map good sir, I have in mind to conquer another country…