WHAT A VIEW. To the left, at a blurry pace, endless rolling hills occupy my peripheral vision. Even from here the smell of grass and compost fills the leathery cabin. To the right, a sheer mountain face provides all the acoustics for the firecracker I am commandeering. Sandwiched between them is a familiar winding stretch of tarmac that carves its way through the Cape winelands. It’s here that I’m enjoying the latest iteration of BMW’s oldest saloon. A glance at the tall shadow it casts across the road reveals the slippery silhouette of a work of German automotive art. But what’s this, a second shadow? Insolent fool, I’ve been tailed all along.

With a stab of throttle the already sonorous six increases tempo, offering that familiar tinny cacophony inherent to Bavaria’s 3.0-litre in-liner. But this one has an added party piece: forced induction from a single turbo which ups the ante to 225kW and 400Nm. The resultant surge of boost means the 535i picks up its coat tails and blasts off properly. Whipping past trees, outcrops of rock and the occasional bewildered road worker means the crescendo of revs that accompany this new pace is constantly morphing, alive, electric.

Similarly communicative is the electronic power steering as my attempts to shake off the pursuers become ever more creative. Even after blitzing through plenty of kilometers with the nimble dexterity of a 3 Series, we’re still bumper to bumper. Whoever is in the chase car clearly has some serious metal under him. A quick glance in the rear view mirror proves it – it’s another Five. Disaster!

‘How is this possible, this car hasn’t even been released yet? F10 is still top secret.’ Before I have time for my mood to shift from mild annoyance to desperate panic I am interrupted. ‘In 400m, turn right…’ An eerily robotic female voice pierces the air as the GPS lady takes control (I’ve come to call her ‘M’ – not as in the Motorsport division, rather the foxy grey-haired boss lady of Mr Bond). When ‘M’ speaks, I listen. A clearly defined set of route markers have been set up for me by the gurus at BMW. So I turn right. It shouldn’t be far now to the rendezvous point and it was going to take every last bit of concentration to get there with anything resembling a lead.

With the outside of my palm I nudge the gear lever from D to S (for Sport) engaging a more aggressive setting on the automatic transmission’s eight cogs. To the right of the lever, a Comfort / Sport bias selector is patiently awaiting my inputs, and I oblige by engaging the lairiest of them all, ‘Sport +. This transforms the Teutonic tiger into something a bit more ‘MMMutant’. The suspension firms and flattens. The throttle response becomes razor-edged and traction control becomes less of a nanny and more like a role-playing school nurse. She’ll give you some slip, enough to have fun with, but not enough so you’ll hang yourself. The steering feels more direct too; some of the CEO-friendly softness at the centre feels dialled out and makes way for a racier helm. Immediately the engine and gearbox compensate for this new found electro-athleticism and two ratios are swapped – to the point that the turbo six is singing proudly, urging me on.

Again I oblige by planting my size eleven (UK fit) firmly into the plush carpet behind the pair of pedals in the foot well. Pace: this thing has it in spades. The long wheelbase it shares with the outgoing Seven belies a quick machine after all. The gap between the two cars is immediately widened. A series of esses loom. I go in hard, climb on the ventilated brakes and feel the nose dip marginally in anticipation of the change in direction the all-independent suspension (double wishbones up front, a multi-link rear) would soon have to contend with. The Servotronic steering still feels light in my hands, but it’s positively weighted. Even with a ‘new’ animal under me I guide the Beemer through the quick exchange of left, right and straight almost by telepathy. The car weighs 1700kg before the fuel and I have climbed in, a fact that it doesn’t hide completely, despite its ability to corner on a R1 coin. Vigorous inputs in a rear-wheel drive car are never encouraged, and even in this very civilized iteration, smooth driving is rewarded. I feed in throttle early on exit but the rear remains perfectly settled while the front tracks almost intuitively towards the next bend. I realise that even in its least governed states there’s still a thick electronic veil (ABS, DTC, CBC, DSC) governing the inputs. Yet is doesn’t feel like that, delivering a purist’s driving experience.



My car has been fitted with a clever Active Steering unit which enables the wheels on the rear axle to pivot left and right, following the fronts at speed, while behaving inversely to them at trundling pace. This means I carry a lot more confidence when the road sweeps high over a crest, and then corkscrews down again, veers left then pulls right. ‘In 1km, turn right…’ A quick tug on the left column-mounted paddle shifter (right is for up) places the transmission in manual mode and swaps 5^th gear for 4^th. I push on through the last sinewy bends as hard as I can with zero trace of my pursuer (yes I do realise it’s just another journalist on the same launch). ‘Turn right now,’ comes the command, and with enough speed scrubbed, I head off the road.

Under the tyres the muted scrabbling of gravel is all I hear as that violent six is now barely ticking over at 1000rpm. Car and driver climb a winding driveway that seems to last a mile until finally a pair of blackened steel gates signals our arrival. The surface changes and the sound emanating from the run-flats dies to a light patter as we reach a brick courtyard. I shift into Reverse which activates a camera in the boot, another clever trick, and a real-time image of my surroundings is broadcast on the iDrive screen (one of three should you count the two at the rear), making it a cinch to ease into the narrow parking bay allocated to me. So many buttons in here. My alter ego Bond would be proud. Some to cool your bum, others to heat it, plus the obligatory climate control and extensive multimedia options too. I thumb the video camera button, turn off the lights and wait. The screen portrays a split image of the surrounds to the left and right, relayed by a camera in each of the front fenders. They clearly illustrate the vacant driveway. Confident I’m alone, I slip out of the five’s cosseting clutch and make my way to the hotel entrance, find the concierge and after pocketing a data card and some documents, my laptop and I retire to a room as impressive as the car I’ve arrived in for a much needed refresh.

The familiar ‘Microsoft Windows’ start-up tune signals my laptop’s readiness to read the data I’ve just gleaned from the hotel staff, and in such a neat BMW embossed box too. Sure enough, its all here – press information, performance figures, diagrams and photographs. Everything I need to know about the BMW 535i I have just piloted. Our track tests later confirm these impressive numbers: a 0 to 100kph sprint in just 6.1 seconds and a claimed top speed governed to 250kph explains my still accelerated heart rate. There are other figures here. A combined EU cycle of 8.4ℓ/100km means it’s fantastically economical, the emissions count of 195g/km of CO2 means it is ruthlessly efficient. This engine is a mild evolution of the outgoing and multiple award winning ‘35i’, originally a twin-turbo set-up. But it’s in the image gallery I find myself spending most of the time. I’d been threatened by the new front end in my rear view mirror for too long just back there. Visions remain of that muscular bonnet and flattened nose that could have signalled the face of a brutish boxer if it were not graceful at the same time. The pixels tease and I find myself making my way back to the car that brought me here for a proper view.

Night has fallen and the parking lot is strewn with subtle pools of light, illuminating every fold and crease on my silvery Five. It’s a careful design this. The last Bangle iteration polarized opinion. It was a real Marmite car: you either loved it or hated it. I loved it. Every time I saw one, I thought, ‘there goes a car with a sniper rifle in the boot’. Perhaps not, but it evoked a gangland cool that the new car cannot muster.

BMW aimed for ‘Instantly loved by everyone’ with this one. Instead they have achieved ‘Offend no-one’ – and that’s close enough. The signature Bavarian traits are all here though: kink in the C pillar, short overhangs, the long wheelbase and bonnet forming a cab-back profile. Bejeweled lamp clusters and detailing abound, making the newest Five, if nothing else, the prettiest yet.

As a car, as a high point in automotive engineering; it’s hard to fault. It’s impossibly sublime. One could want for a more raucous engine note, and I could have asked for a stronger link between this car and the 535i of the late E28, a local hero we knew and loved. But that’s not what F10 is all about. And with a V8 550i available, plus the flagship M5 scheduled, BMW has left ample place for breakneck performance elsewhere.

What you have is Five, perfected. It’s the kind of car that makes a spirited drive through the countryside as exciting as one through the city centre, if traffic allows. Mind you, there are always those wing cameras to play with during reflective moments. And yes, the fact you can damn near direct the sequel to Ronin from the onboard video cameras just sweetens the deal. Just be sure to load all your favourite 007 soundtracks onto a USB device before you hit the road. It’s your move Audi.

BMW 535i STEPTRONIC

Drivetrain
ENGINE | 2979cc, 24v, 6-cyl turbo
POWER | 225kW @ 5800rpm
TORQUE | 400Nm @ 1200-5000rpm
POWER TO WEIGHT | 132kW per tonne
TRANSMISSION | Eight-speed Steptronic automatic, rear-wheel drive

Performance (claimed)
TOP SPEED | 250kph
LITRES/100KM
8.4 (combined)
CO2 | 195g/km

Details
FRONT SUSPENSION | Double wishbones
REAR SUSPENSION | Multi-link
LENGTH/WIDTH/HEIGHT/W-BASE | 4899/1860/1464/2968mm
BOOT SPACE 520ℓ
FUEL TANK | 70ℓ
WEIGHT | 1700kg

Ownership
SERVICE INTERVALS | 30 000km
SERVICE PLAN | 5-yr/100 000km
WARRANTY | 2-yr/unlimited km 

Cost
PRICE | R 646 000
VERDICT The least offensive Five is also the best. Especially if your name’s Bond